Beer, Bamboozle, and the Almost-Kevin: When Dumb Crime Meets Dumber Excuses
Working retail isn’t for the faint of heart. Between the late-night snackers, caffeine fiends, and coupon clippers, there’s always a cast of characters making life interesting. But every so often, a special breed of customer walks through those sliding doors—the kind that makes you question humanity and the evolutionary ladder. And on r/StoriesAboutKevin, they have a name: Kevin.
But not every idiot is a Kevin. Sometimes, they're just...well, idiots with a plan. Today’s story, courtesy of u/PurpleBirdieLady623, takes us on a journey through the wild, wacky, and truly clueless world of convenience store crime, starring a “Kevin-adjacent” genius and his equally cunning sidekick.
The Setup: When Crime Meets Convenience (and Fails)
Our tale begins innocently enough: two customers—let’s call them “Bonnie and Slightly More Dim-Witted Clyde”—saunter into a convenience store. Bonnie distracts the clerk with a search for the elusive Celsius energy drink, while Clyde heads for the beer cooler with the subtlety of a raccoon in a trash can.
As u/PurpleBirdieLady623 (our vigilant clerk) helpfully checks the back for Celsius, Clyde makes a break for the exit, arms loaded with Twisted Teas. The perfect heist, right? Well, as with most plans hatched in the beverage aisle, it was too good to last.
Fast forward a week. Our dynamic duo returns, ready to run the same play. Only this time, the clerk recognizes them. When Bonnie tries the old “energy drink distraction” routine, she’s promptly told to leave. Clyde, having just emerged with his loot, is intercepted and told to come to the counter. Here’s where things get delightfully absurd.
The Mastermind Revealed: “Wait, You Need ID to Buy Alcohol?!”
At the counter, Clyde feigns shock—genuine, Oscar-worthy shock—that he would be asked for an ID to purchase alcohol. Who knew there were rules in modern society? When told (firmly) that no ID means no sale, he doubles down on the stupidity, insisting and pleading as though this policy was invented solely to ruin his evening.
But our clerk stands strong. Not only is selling alcohol without ID against store policy, it’s literally the law. Still, Clyde tries one last ploy: he grabs a pack of Twisted Teas and offers to “put it back.” Because, sure, after an attempted theft, what the cashier really wants is for you to stroll back to the liquor section unsupervised.
“I told him I’d take care of it,” writes OP, “and he reluctantly left.” Crime, foiled by common sense and a dash of healthy skepticism.
Reddit Reacts: Is He a Kevin, or Just an Idiot?
As with any great story on r/StoriesAboutKevin, the community was quick to weigh in. And while the internet isn’t always united, this time, the consensus was clear: this guy isn’t a classic Kevin, but he’s circling the drain.
u/NyssaofTrakken summed it up perfectly: “I think this might be too conniving to be a true Kevin, but definitely an idiot.” Others echoed the sentiment, with u/MyFavoriteInsomnia noting, “Kevins are clueless. This guy knew exactly what he was doing. Still an idiot, though.”
Even OP chimed in to agree: “Definitely an idiot.” But as u/Forward_Deer9230 pointed out, when Clyde offered to “put the beer back,” he showed his true stripes: “He may not be a true Kevin, but when he offered to put it back, he showed he's pretty damn close. As stupid as he is, he still thought he could out-smart OP. The guy is too stupid to know how stupid he is. That at least makes him Kevin-adjacent.”
Reddit’s verdict? Not quite a full Kevin, but definitely not a criminal mastermind.
The Art of the Distraction (and Why It Never Works)
What’s so fascinating about these would-be thieves is their utter lack of originality. The “distract the cashier” move is the shoplifting equivalent of wearing a fake mustache and thinking no one will notice. Yet, somehow, it’s always deployed with the confidence of a seasoned con artist.
And yet, as this story proves, retail workers have seen it all. They can spot a scam from three aisles away and have a sixth sense for shenanigans. The lesson? If you’re going to attempt a heist, don’t assume the clerk is dumber than you. Chances are, you’re the punchline in their next Reddit post.
Conclusion: The Legend of Kevin-Adjacent Lives On
So, what do we take away from this tale of Twisted Teas and twisted logic? Maybe it’s a reminder that most crime doesn’t pay—especially when it’s this lazy. Or perhaps it’s a celebration of retail workers everywhere, who deal with these antics daily and still manage to keep a sense of humor.
Whether you’re a former cashier nodding along, a Redditor enjoying the schadenfreude, or just someone who loves a good “almost got away with it” story, remember: the next time you’re tempted to outsmart the system, you might just end up as the internet’s favorite cautionary tale.
Have you ever encountered a Kevin (or Kevin-adjacent) in the wild? Share your stories below—or just tell us your favorite dumb crime moment!
Original Reddit Post: A guy who feigned being shocked that I can't sell alcohol without an ID