Blood, Brownies, and Petty Revenge: The Tale of the Roommate Who Learned the Hard Way
Some stories are so deliciously petty, so perfectly seasoned with irony and schadenfreude, that they deserve to be baked into internet legend. Today, we’re serving up a classic from Reddit’s r/PettyRevenge: a tale of brownies, blood, and a roommate who bit off more than he could chew—literally.
It’s the mid-90s. HIV/AIDS stigma is rampant, grunge rules the airwaves, and two newlywed lovebirds are making the best of a tiny servants’ quarters in a crumbling Victorian. Enter: Kevin, the kind of roommate whose name will forever be whispered with a groan by anyone who’s ever had to label their food in a shared fridge.
Let’s set the scene. Our story’s hero, a passionate home cook scraping by with her skinny husband, whips up a pan of brownies. Days later, the brownies are a bit stale, but still edible—until a kitchen mishap leaves the husband with a deep gash in his thumb. Blood everywhere, ER dash, and a pan of bloody brownies abandoned in the sink.
You’d think that would be the end of it. But Kevin, unbothered by such trivialities as hygiene or personal boundaries, sees brownies in the sink and thinks, “Free snack!” Half the pan disappears. The couple, understandably grossed out, decide to let sleeping dogs (and bloody brownies) lie… until Kevin crosses the line from gross to unforgivable.
The Final Straw: The Pan-demic
A few days later, after painstakingly saving up for a brand-new nonstick pan—a luxury for a couple who had only recently upgraded from living in their car—our cook discovers her prized purchase has been defiled. The packaging is gone, and the pristine surface is scratched to hell, presumably by Kevin making scrambled eggs with a fork. (Every cook’s nightmare.)
At this point, revenge is not just justified—it’s practically a moral obligation.
The Sweet Taste of Petty Revenge
The opportunity comes a week later. Kevin, blissfully unaware of the karmic storm brewing, admits to eating the sink brownies. Now, our protagonist could have left it at that, but where’s the fun in that? Instead, she describes, in full gory detail, how her husband bled all over the brownies in a kitchen accident.
The color drains from Kevin’s face. Then comes the panicked question: “Can you get AIDS from eating blood?”
Let’s pause for a moment. Not only is this a wild leap, but it’s also a pretty rude assumption about the husband’s health, entirely based on his skinny frame. Our narrator, keeping a straight face, delivers the final blow: “I don’t know, but I guess it’s possible.” She even puts on her best worried expression for dramatic effect.
Kevin bolts to the bathroom to empty his stomach and emerges a changed man. He never eats their food again and spends the rest of his roommate tenure avoiding them like the plague (pun intended). As for the ruined pan? It’s never mentioned. Sometimes, the best revenge is the one you don’t have to spell out.
Why This Petty Revenge Is So Satisfying
What makes this story so entertaining isn’t just the gross-out factor—it’s the underlying justice. Roommates like Kevin are the bane of every shared living space, the reason we have “clean up after yourself” signs and passive-aggressive fridge notes. Watching him get his comeuppance, especially in such a poetic way, scratches a primal itch.
There’s also something timelessly funny about revenge that doesn’t require yelling, confrontation, or even direct accusation. Just a few well-chosen words, a little touch of theatrical concern, and nature takes its course. It’s the culinary equivalent of setting a trap with a bear claw and watching the perpetrator step right in.
A Side of ’90s Nostalgia
It’s also a reminder of how much the world has changed. The reference to AIDS panic is a little time capsule of 90s paranoia, when misinformation about HIV transmission was rampant. Today, most people know you can’t contract HIV from eating brownies (or even blood), but back then, the fear was real—and for Kevin, very, very motivating.
The Moral of the Story
Don’t mess with other people’s food. Especially if they love to cook. Especially if you’re living rent-cheap in their home. And if you’re going to steal brownies, maybe check for blood first (or, you know, just ask).
Have you ever dished out your own petty revenge on a roommate, coworker, or family member? Drop your stories in the comments below—we’d love to hear your tastiest tales of comeuppance. And remember: in the kitchen, as in life, karma is best served with a side of humor.
Happy cooking—and keep your brownies to yourself.
Original Reddit Post: Oh no! Did my brownies give you AIDS?