But I'm 27!': The Wild World of Shoplifting Kevins and Their Truly Legendary Excuses
Picture this: you’re working a late shift at the local convenience store, minding your own business, when in walks a familiar face—the infamous Shoplifting Kevin. You know the type: buzzcut, braces, and a talent for truly terrible excuses. Last month, he tried to claim he was "new in town" and didn’t recognize you. Tonight? He boldly claims, "But I'm 27!" as if that would explain away his previous sticky-fingered escapades. If you’re already shaking your head, you’re not alone. The internet has, too—and their reactions are comedy gold.
Repeat Offenders and the Art of the Absurd Excuse
Let’s set the stage. Our heroic narrator, u/PurpleBirdieLady623, works at a store where she’s had the pleasure (or misfortune) of meeting Kevin—a young man with a penchant for shoplifting and, apparently, improv comedy. After being caught multiple times, Kevin first tried the classic "I just moved here" routine, which was foolproof… except for the small detail that the employee had seen him before. Multiple times. With that memorable buzzcut and those braces, Kevin wasn’t exactly blending in with the crowd.
Fast forward to the latest incident. Kevin returns, undaunted, and asks about vapes. Our narrator recognizes him immediately and tells him to leave. So Kevin reaches deep into his bag of tricks and pulls out the showstopper: “But I’m 27!”
Let that sink in. Not, “I didn’t steal anything,” or “You must be mistaken,” but an age declaration. As if being 27 is some kind of universal shoplifting pass.
But the internet wasn’t about to let this logic slide.
Decoding Kevin Logic: The Community Weighs In
Reddit’s r/StoriesAboutKevin is home to tales of questionable reasoning, but even seasoned readers were flabbergasted by Kevin’s latest excuse. The top comment by u/buckwaltercluck offers an unexpectedly insightful theory: maybe Kevin genuinely believed he was being kicked out for looking underage—hence the age-related defense. “Kevin’s so committed to his delusion that he can't fathom that you actually recognize him. He thought you were kicking him out because you thought he was underage.”
This sparked a hilarious exchange about Kevins and their, shall we say, unique approach to reality. The OP chimed in, admitting, “That actually makes a lot of sense,” showing even the employee had to pause and consider the depths of Kevin’s logic labyrinth.
But not everyone was convinced Kevin’s mental gears were turning that fast. u/BottomBinchBirdy countered, “That's giving him too much credit, I think. I doubt he recognized OP to know they'd recognize him.” Perhaps, in this case, Kevin wasn’t playing 4D chess—he was just playing himself.
And the jokes kept coming. u/Separate-Cap-8774 summed it up in classic Reddit fashion: “Well, ya DO know... He 27!! That’s the logic!! 🤪😜😆” Sometimes, the simplest (and silliest) answer is the only one you’ll get.
The Vacuum Between the Ears: When Logic Goes Missing
It wasn’t just Kevin’s excuses that had people laughing—it was the sheer audacity (and confusion) behind them. As u/RedDazzlr observed, “There's a really large gap in his logic…” to which u/pm_me-ur-catpics quipped, “Yeah, it's about the distance between his ears.” The thread turned into a roast session, with users speculating on the medical dangers of such a powerful vacuum between those ears. You’ve got to appreciate the creativity of internet comedians.
These comments underline a major theme in the Kevin Chronicles: sometimes, people’s logic is so baffling, it’s almost admirable. Is Kevin a criminal mastermind with a masterful bluff? Or is he just, well, Kevin?
The Many Faces of Kevin: Chaotic Neutral or Something Else?
As the conversation unfolded, a new theory emerged: maybe Kevins aren’t evil, just… chaotic. u/buckwaltercluck dropped a gem: “Source: was married to Kevin’s sinister brother for years. Kevin is a chaotic neutral. Jake’s are chaotic evil. They are both equally committed to their delusions.” It’s a reminder that for every Kevin out there, there’s a Jake—a different flavor of chaos, but chaos nonetheless.
Whether Kevin’s excuses are calculated or clueless, one thing’s clear: he’s not giving up, and he’s not getting any smarter. For every employee out there, these encounters are part headache, part comedic goldmine. And for the Redditors reading these stories? It’s prime entertainment.
Final Thoughts: Why We Love (and Facepalm at) Stories About Kevin
What makes stories like this resonate so deeply? Maybe it’s the universality of the experience—everyone’s met a Kevin, someone whose logic is so bizarre, you have to laugh. Maybe it’s a reminder that, for all the planning and policy in the world, there’s no preparing for the pure, unfiltered randomness of human behavior.
So next time you’re on shift and see someone with a suspiciously familiar buzzcut and braces, remember: you might be in for a story worth telling on Reddit. And if they tell you they’re 27? Just smile, nod, and hope the internet is ready for another tale of Kevin logic.
Have your own "Kevin" story? Drop it in the comments below or share your favorite excuse you’ve ever heard on the job. After all, laughter is the best defense against facepalm fatigue!
Original Reddit Post: His excuse this time may very well be even worse than his last one