Chaos, Cannabis, and Christian Colleges: The Wild Misadventures of “College Kevin”
College campuses are known for wild stories, but what happens when you drop a one-man party tornado into the middle of a strict, anti-vice Christian college? Enter “College Kevin,” a legend in his own right, whose outrageous antics left administrators, RAs, and fellow students in a perpetual state of disbelief, confusion, and, let’s face it, awe.
If you ever wondered what would happen if Ferris Bueller ignored every rule in the Bible Belt, you’re about to find out. Here’s the tale of one man’s quest to push every button, break every rule, and rack up fines worthy of a luxury car—all in the name of “good vibes.”
The Holy Rule-Breaker: Meet Kevin
Let’s set the scene: Kevin isn’t your average college student. He’s the kind of guy who’d show up to a nun’s book club with a boombox, a tub of ice cream, and a plan to summon Aztec spirits for fun. At a college where “party” is a four-letter word (literally, it’s banned from campus lexicon), Kevin took it as a challenge to become the campus’s anti-hero—armed with weed, cheap beer, and a playlist that would make any RA sweat.
1. The Soundtrack of Rebellion
At this Christian college, even listening to music was a bureaucratic minefield. Speakers? Banned. Songs with “party vibes”? Double banned. So, of course, Kevin’s first offense was blasting profanity-laced rap on a standard speaker. The price of this rebellion? A $300 fine. It’s almost poetic: the cost of freedom measured in campus currency.
2. The Weed & Ice Cream Dealer
While most students sell textbooks or old clothes, Kevin thought outside the box—and inside the freezer. Not only did he peddle weed on campus, but he also became an ice cream kingpin. Why ice cream? No one knows, but it’s Kevin. The college, having drilled “DARE-lite” anti-drug programs into students’ heads, responded with a $1,500 fine and, in what must be a unique judicial precedent, banned him from possessing ice cream containers.
3. Partying in the Forbidden Zone
Every campus has “that one area” you just don’t mess with—usually for fire safety. For most students, this is a hard no. For Kevin, it was a dare. He hosted party after party in the forbidden zone, collecting $500 fines like Pokémon cards and ending the semester with $3,000 in party penalties. You have to admire the commitment.
4. Booze, DUIs, and the $10,000 Tab
Alcohol was Kevin’s constant companion, and the college’s worst nightmare. Despite aggressive (and sometimes hilariously selective) enforcement, Kevin’s room was basically a speakeasy. Multiple DUIs and repeated offenses left him with fines totaling $10,000. Somewhere, a campus accountant is still weeping.
5. Summoning Aztec Spirits (and a Suspension)
After discovering the Aztecs in a history class, Kevin decided to perform a ritual to “harness their spirits.” The administration called it witchcraft and sent him to “witchcraft is bad” counseling for a month. He returned undeterred, only to get sucker-punched by his roommate for trying to spread the gospel of Aztec magic.
6. The Phantom Athlete
Kevin was convinced he belonged on one of the college’s sports teams. The actual athletes, unimpressed by his unsolicited tryouts, repeatedly ejected him from practices and games. The college gave him “You Are Not On The Team 101” training, but Kevin thought it was an onboarding seminar. Sometimes, denial isn’t just a river in Egypt—it’s a full-time job.
7. The MLM Miracle
If you thought vegan smoothies couldn’t be controversial, think again. Kevin’s attempt to launch an MLM “prosperity gathering” on a campus that literally preaches against MLMs and veganism was a masterclass in missing the point. A two-week suspension and a ban on solo events later, Kevin was still undeterred.
The Legend Lives On
Kevin’s saga didn’t just end with fines or suspensions. The college launched campus-wide anti-Kevin campaigns, which he misinterpreted as college-backed infomercials. No amount of intervention, peer pressure, or “mandatory counseling” could slow him down. He’s either a cautionary tale or a folk hero, depending on your point of view.
Have you ever encountered a Kevin in your life? Or maybe you were the Kevin? Share your wildest campus stories in the comments below—let’s see whose college experience comes close to the legend of College Kevin!
Sources:
Original Reddit post here
Original Reddit Post: college kevin does vices at anti-vice christian college