Conspiracy Theory Kevin Strikes Again: The Never-Ending PTO Panic at the Drugstore
Picture this: It’s another day in retail paradise. The beeping of price scanners, the faint smell of hand sanitizer, and the eternal hum of fluorescent lights are your soundtrack. Just as you’re mentally tallying how many times you’ve restocked the cough drops this week, in strolls Kevin—your favorite workplace conspiracy theorist—on a mission. What’s the crisis this time? A PTO policy that’s been dead, buried, and fossilized for over six years.
Welcome to the world of “Conspiracy Theory Kevin,” a 70-something shift supervisor whose dedication to workplace rumor-mongering is matched only by his refusal to retire. Today’s episode: The Case of the Phantom PTO Cap.
Six Years, Two Pregnancies, and a Persistent Paranoia
Let’s rewind. Our storyteller, u/cwu007, is a fellow supervisor at a major US drugstore chain. The company’s PTO (Paid Time Off) system is pretty straightforward: Work a certain number of hours, earn PTO as a percentage of those hours. No rocket science here. But in the deep recesses of Kevin’s mind, something sinister is afoot—a threat so urgent, so menacing, it’s moved him to interrogate every supervisor in earshot about it: The company might be limiting how much PTO you can roll into the new year.
Here’s the problem: This “threat” was a thing… six years ago. It was proposed, then promptly scrapped before it could impact anyone. Our hero remembers it vividly—she was pregnant with her first child at the time and, by the time she returned from maternity leave, the idea was already toast. Her child is now six years old and thriving, which is about how long this rumor has been dead. But Kevin? Kevin just can’t let it go.
Déjà Vu All Over Again (And Again)
You know that colleague who seems to hit “reset” on every conversation? That’s Kevin. Yesterday, he grilled our narrator about the PTO cap. She patiently explained, twice, that the policy was scrapped before it ever took effect. She even gave him a timeline so specific you could set your watch to it.
But old habits die hard. The next day, Kevin cornered another shift supervisor, pressing her with the same burning question: “How much PTO can we carry over?” Cue the puzzled looks. Cue our narrator, swooping in with the exasperated energy of someone who’s explained to their toddler for the tenth time that “No, you can’t eat crayons.” Loudly, she reminds Kevin: “That was scrapped six years ago. Nothing has changed.”
Will this finally put Kevin’s PTO paranoia to rest? Not likely. He’s off for two days, but the safe money is on Kevin returning, PTO questions in hand, ready to restart the cycle.
When Conspiracy Theories Meet the Workplace
Every workplace has a Kevin—the person who clings to outdated policies, wild rumors, or the idea that the breakroom fridge is out to get them. Sometimes, it’s harmless (unless you’re the one fielding the same question for the 19th time). Sometimes, it’s comedy gold.
But what makes this story so relatable isn’t just Kevin’s persistence; it’s the way our narrator handles it. Patiently, then firmly, and finally with the resigned amusement of someone who knows they’ll be telling this story for years to come. It’s a masterclass in workplace communication—and perhaps in the gentle art of not losing your mind.
And before you worry about Kevin’s health, rest assured: According to his son (who also works at the company), Kevin is perfectly fine. He’s just really, really committed to making sure he doesn’t lose a single minute of his PTO—even if that means fighting a six-year-old corporate ghost.
Lessons from the Land of Retail Legends
So what can we learn from this saga?
- Rumors in the workplace are like glitter: Once they’re out, they never really go away.
- Documentation is your friend: “That was scrapped six years ago” is much more convincing with a timeline and a personal anecdote. Bonus points if it involves a maternity leave.
- Every team needs a Kevin: They keep things interesting, if not always efficient.
- Patience is a superpower: Especially when you’re answering the same question for the third, fourth, or hundredth time.
Share Your Own “Kevin” Story!
Do you have a “Conspiracy Theory Kevin” in your workplace? The one who’s convinced that the coffee machine is recording your conversations, or that HR is secretly tracking how long you spend in the bathroom? Share your stories in the comments below—because, if there’s one thing retail teaches us, it’s that we’re all in this together. And maybe, just maybe, we can finally put some of these rumors to rest.
Or, at least, get a good laugh trying.
Original Reddit Post: Again Kevin, That Was Scraped 6 Years Ago