Drunk on Lime-A-Ritas: The Gas Station Kevin Who Couldn’t Hold His Liquor (or His Job)
You never forget your first “Kevin” at work—the coworker whose antics make you question the laws of common sense, self-preservation, and (in this case) state liquor regulations. For u/aShadowWizard, that Kevin came in the form of a pint-sized gas station employee whose approach to both customer service and responsible drinking left a lasting impression. If you thought your worst coworker story was wild, buckle up—this one’s a ride fueled by 100 ounces of canned margarita and a profound disregard for both rules and sobriety.
The Tale of Kevin: Gas Station Edition
Let’s set the scene: It’s 10:30 PM at a modest gas station, where our narrator, a fresh-faced 21-year-old, has just clocked in. But instead of the usual routine, they’re greeted by their General Manager—who, judging by his 5 a.m. start time, is about as thrilled to be there as a raccoon caught in a trash can. Why is he working late? Enter: Kevin.
Kevin, as described by the OP, was "dense to say the least, as befitting a Kevin." His greatest hits included not checking IDs, giving away merchandise, manhandling food without gloves (don’t worry, none was served), and—on this fateful Tuesday—knocking back not one, not two, but four 25-ounce Bud Light Lime-A-Ritas while on the clock. For those not versed in gas station mixology, these are the tall boys of malt beverage world, packing about 8% ABV in each can. That’s essentially a high-octane margarita you can buy at a convenience store—because nothing says “responsible retail employee” like a mid-shift solo party.
But wait, it gets better. After his boozy binge, a friend walks in, takes one look at the swaying, glassy-eyed Kevin, and drops the now-iconic line: “You don’t look so good, Kevin. Maybe you should go home.” And so Kevin, in a move that would make even the dullest cautionary tale blush, clocks out and drives himself the 30 minutes home. (Spoiler: This does not end well for Kevin’s employment prospects.)
Reddit Reacts: Math, Malt Liquor, and Mayhem
As with all great “Kevin” stories, the Reddit hive mind dove right in, dissecting both the math and the madness of the situation. First, there was the question that flabbergasted everyone: Four Bud Lights to get drunk? Really?
User u/Much_Guest_7195 was the first to ask, “4 bud lights to get drunk???” But the plot thickened as u/badcatmomma clarified: “The lime a ritas are like 8% for a small (10oz?) can.” These weren’t your run-of-the-mill light beers; they were basically the heavyweight champs of gas station booze.
The OP chimed in with a crucial detail: Kevin was “like 5'4 and maybe 120 soaking wet.” Suddenly, the physics of Kevin’s collapse made a little more sense—though not, as one commenter quipped, enough to explain his decision-making.
u/Budgiejen brought the numbers home: “Lime a Rita’s are tall boys. Like 30 Oz.” That’s a whopping 100 ounces of 8% ABV malt beverage—over 3.5 liters for anyone keeping score. As u/boniemonie marveled, “I’m amazed he could walk!!!!”
And then there’s the hilariously resigned take from u/solanis1359: “Wouldn’t even take me one. Signed, a total lightweight who couldn't hold her alcohol if it was superglued to her hands.” Sometimes, it’s not about the volume—just the constitution.
And the cherry on top? As u/Alleyprowler pointedly asked, “Did he at least pay for them?” The OP’s answer: “Nope.” Of course.
Law & Order: Gas Station Unit
The saga takes a final, almost cinematic turn. Remember, the gas station sits on the border of city and sheriff jurisdictions—a veritable cop shop. So naturally, a sheriff just so happens to show up right after Kevin drunkenly peels out. The universe, it seems, has its own brand of poetic justice.
Not surprisingly, Kevin was relieved of his duties in short order. No word on whether he ever paid for his Lime-A-Ritas, but one thing’s for sure: he won’t be manning the late shift again anytime soon. The OP assures us that no tainted, un-gloved food ever reached a customer, and that Kevin’s story ends with a lesson on both workplace responsibility and the dangers of underestimating the power of canned margaritas.
Lessons from Kevin (And the Wisdom of Reddit)
What can we take away from this tequila-soaked tale? For one, never underestimate the potency of a “cocktail in a can”—especially when consumed by someone built like a hummingbird. But more importantly, the Reddit community’s reactions perfectly encapsulate the magic of shared workplace horror stories: a blend of disbelief, laughter, and a few expert-level alcohol breakdowns.
As u/ultravioletcamel astutely pointed out, “the lime a ritas and the strawberry one are not a cocktail in a can but they are in the malt liquor tier.” Translation: treat with respect (and maybe use gloves, just in case).
So here’s to all the Kevins out there—may your tales serve as cautionary legends, and may the rest of us never have to cover your shift at 10:30 p.m.
Have your own “Kevin” story or workplace mishap to share? Drop it in the comments—we promise to laugh (and maybe cringe) right along with you!
Original Reddit Post: 'You're drunk Kevin, you should go home'