Meet College Kevin: The Man Who Thought Mormons Were Fictional and Florida Was Under Siege
Have you ever met someone so blissfully, spectacularly confused about the world that you just want to follow them around, popcorn in hand, waiting for the next wild theory to drop? Welcome to the saga of College Kevin—a legend of Christian college campuses everywhere, and a man whose “Mormon theories” will make your jaw drop, your sides ache, and your faith in basic American education waver.
For those unfamiliar, Kevin is the kind of guy who, when attending a conservative evangelical Christian college, somehow didn’t realize it was a Christian college. (Yes, really. You can read about that here). Once Kevin wrapped his mind around the whole “Jesus is big here” thing, he began to ask questions—spectacularly odd questions. And when it came to Mormons? Well, let’s just say Kevin’s theories belong in their own cinematic universe.
The Marvelously Misguided Mormon Multiverse
Kevin’s take on Mormonism is… something else. In his mind, Mormons aren’t a real group of people, but rather a sprawling, fictional franchise—think Marvel, but with more communism, less CGI, and a suspicious agenda in Florida. Let’s break down a few of Kevin’s greatest “hits”:
1. Joseph Smith: Catholic Literary Supervillain
Kevin’s logic here is a rollercoaster: Joseph Smith, the founder of Mormonism, was (wait for it) a character invented by Catholics. Why? To ruin America via books, because books are the gateway drug to communism. Somewhere, Dan Brown is furiously taking notes.
2. The Purity Plot
According to Kevin, fundamentalists “adapted” Mormons to promote female purity and “ruin men’s sex lives.” His hard-hitting evidence? A campus dating drought, which he credits to the nefarious “Mormon Cinematic Universe.” (Apparently, even fictional Mormons have more power over Kevin’s love life than he does.)
3. Florida: The Final Frontier
Kevin wasn’t worried about a communist takeover of America—just Florida. Why? Because MLMs (yes, multi-level marketing schemes) supposedly use the Mormon “brand” to justify wild beliefs and set up a beachhead in the Sunshine State. Mickey Mouse, you’re on notice.
4. No Laughing Matter
When the college cracked down on Kevin’s “jokes” (which were, by all accounts, both racist and sexist), he blamed the MCU. Not Marvel, mind you—the Mormon Cinematic Universe. In Kevin’s worldview, Mormons outlawed comedy, thus ruining fun. (In reality, the only thing ruining fun was Kevin.)
5. The Book of Mormon: Publishing’s Greatest Conspiracy
In Kevin’s alternate history, the Book of Mormon is speculative fiction, published to scam people and orchestrated by a shadowy Jewish cabal. At this point, Kevin’s spiral from “misinformed” to “conspiracy theorist” is complete—and he’s found friends among the campus’s least savory crowd.
6. Mormons: Hallucination or Con?
Perhaps my favorite: Kevin insisted Mormons aren’t real and that those who claim to be are hallucinating and should be, ahem, “sterilized” to prevent “conspiracy theory overpopulation.” 10 out of 10 for creative dystopian thinking, 0 out of 10 for basic decency.
7. Bankruptcy Speed Run
Finally, Kevin believed the entire Mormon phenomenon was just a get-rich-quick scheme for failed Americans to bounce back from bankruptcy. How? We may never know, but in Kevin’s world, there’s no scam too wild for the MCU.
When Ignorance Meets Imagination: The Kevin Effect
What makes Kevin so special? It’s not just that he’s wrong—it’s that he’s creatively wrong. He’s the kind of guy who hears about a group he’s unfamiliar with, and instead of, say, using Google, builds an entire conspiracy theory universe with its own villains, plot twists, and Florida-based subplots.
In a campus environment already tinged with anti-Mormon sentiment, Kevin’s theories weren’t just ignored; they were sometimes warped into even more anti-Mormon talking points. It’s a cautionary tale about how easily misinformation becomes a group sport—and how a single Kevin can become the MVP.
The Takeaway: Don’t Be a Kevin
If there’s a moral here, it’s this: curiosity is great, but a working internet connection and an ounce of skepticism are even better. If you ever find yourself inventing a Mormon Cinematic Universe to explain why you’re single at a Christian college, maybe—just maybe—it’s time to hit the library.
Have you ever met a Kevin? Share your stories below! Let’s revel together in the wild, unfiltered creativity of people who make this world so very, very interesting.
What’s the most bizarre theory you’ve ever heard? Drop it in the comments and let’s see if anyone can top College Kevin’s Mormon MCU!
Original Reddit Post: College kevin and Mormon'theories'