Punched, Shot At, Stabbed, and Set on Fire: The Wild Work-Life Misadventures of 'Kevin'
Some people live life on the edge. And then there’s Kevin, who seems to have launched himself off the cliff, bounced off every jagged rock on the way down, and somehow limped into work the next day—smiling. If you’ve ever wondered just how much chaos one person can attract, allow me to introduce you to the legend known on Reddit as “punched in the ass guy.”
This Kevin is not your average “oops, I microwaved foil” kind of klutz. No, his résumé reads more like a deleted scene from a Coen Brothers movie: repeatedly punched (by his wife), stabbed (also by his wife), set on fire (multiple times), and shot at (with only a hoodie for armor). And yet, he soldiers on—cracked teeth, singed eyebrows, and all.
A Limp and a Legend Is Born
Most workplace injuries involve a rogue stapler or a slippery floor. But Kevin? He arrives at work one day sporting a limp. When questioned, he earnestly explains that his wife socked him squarely in the backside while he was bent over a cupboard. The office erupts in laughter, and thus "punched in the ass guy" is born. Kevin limps along for a week, gamely fielding questions about his unfortunate posterior.
But the story doesn’t end there—because with Kevin, it never does.
Head-Butting His Way Through Life
Kevin’s misadventures aren’t limited to domestic slapstick. He explains, almost proudly, that he can’t have hot or cold drinks because his teeth are cracked—souvenirs from bar fights. His chosen fighting technique? “I use my head to hurt their hands.” Yes, you read that right. Forget bobbing and weaving; Kevin’s strategy is to let people punch his skull and hope their knuckles lose. Astonishingly, it seems to work. Several would-be brawlers have walked away with broken hands, while Kevin’s only reward is a dental bill and a story for the ages.
Bail Enforcer with a Hoodie
You might think Kevin’s chaotic momentum would slow down outside the ring. You’d be wrong. For a brief and glorious stint, Kevin worked as a bail enforcement agent for his wife’s family business. “Any training?” you might ask. Kevin laughs in the face of preparation. One tale involves him retrieving his brother-in-law, a man known to own a shotgun. Kevin’s plan: wear a hoodie for protection and run in the opposite direction if things get hairy. That’s it. No bulletproof vest, no backup—just the unshakable faith that a cotton sweatshirt and cardio would save the day. Spoiler: he survived, but we’ll never know how.
Stabbed…But “It’s Fine!”
You’d think the story would end with a punchline, but Kevin’s life takes darker turns. After the infamous butt-punch, coworkers start jokingly asking if his wife “hit anything” over the weekend. Eventually, Kevin lets slip that she’s “calmed down a lot after she stabbed me.” Wait, what? Yes, stabbed—not once, but twice, on separate occasions. Kevin assures everyone it’s fine, because his wife promised not to do it again. (Kevin, buddy, that’s not how promises—or healthy relationships—work.)
Apparently, this kind of marital mayhem isn’t just a Kevin thing; a second Kevin pipes up to say his own wife has “wanted to stab” him too. Maybe it’s something in the regional water supply, or maybe Kevins just have a knack for finding spicy partners.
Fire Hazard Extraordinaire
If you thought the saga was over, think again. Kevin has also set himself on fire—not once, not twice, but thrice. Once at work, once at home, and once at a bonfire. Each incident was a “minor” one, according to Kevin, as if self-immolation is the kind of thing you can just walk off. At this point, you start to suspect Kevin may secretly be made of asbestos.
The Kevin Phenomenon
The internet is loaded with tales of “Kevins”—those lovable, clueless, sometimes-unlucky folks who seem to attract disaster like a magnet. Yet Kevin’s stories aren’t just about bad luck; they’re a testament to the resilience (or perhaps obliviousness) of the human spirit. Whether he’s squaring off against fists, flames, or familial weaponry, Kevin just keeps on keeping on.
Final Thoughts: Are You a Kevin Magnet?
Do you work with a Kevin? Are you, perhaps, a Kevin yourself? Share your wildest workplace misadventures in the comments—bonus points if they involve hoodies, bar fights, or unexplained fires. And if your partner ever promises not to stab you again…maybe sleep with one eye open (and invest in some flame-retardant pajamas).
Stay safe out there—and remember: not all heroes wear capes. Some just limp in wearing hoodies and smelling faintly of smoke.
Original Reddit Post: Kevin gets punched in the ass shot at and stabbed