The Chronicles of Kevin: Shock Collars, 'Special Dinners,' and the Art of Questionable Genius
If you’ve ever met someone whose “great ideas” seem ripped from a sitcom script, you’ll relate to this wild ride. Picture a man so convinced of his own genius that he’ll shock himself, cook up horrors, and shoot guns in a garage within city limits—all in a day’s work. Meet Kevin, as immortalized by his ex-wife on Reddit’s r/StoriesAboutKevin, whose escapades are equal parts jaw-dropping and side-splitting.
Let’s dive into the legend of Kevin, exploring his unconventional approach to dog training, home defense (if you can call it that), avant-garde fashion, and meals that haunt the memory. And, thanks to the Reddit peanut gallery, we’ll get plenty of extra flavor along the way.
Shocking Developments: Kevin vs. The Dog (and Physics)
Our tale begins with Kevin’s bold plan to train the family dog to stay outside, leashless. Invisible Fence? Too mainstream. Instead, Kevin scores a secondhand shock collar at a flea market—a phrase that should strike fear into the heart of any pet lover. To prove its safety, Kevin tests it on himself (“of course he did,” his ex-wife sighs), declares it only “a brief jolt,” and forges ahead.
The result? The moment the dog feels the zap, it rockets off “like a fart in a windstorm,” vanishing into the night. Kevin, a two-pack-a-day smoker, is left puffing and panting in hot pursuit for over a mile. If you’ve ever wondered whether karma wears running shoes, there’s your answer. As one commenter, u/ASmallArmyOfCrabs, wryly observed: “If he was smoking 2 packs a day he didn’t have any tastebuds left lol! You’d burn those puppies off, let alone all the smoke in his mouth.” (No word on whether the dog ever trusted Kevin again.)
Garage Gunslinging: Urban Edition
Kevin’s next big idea? Setting up a shooting range—in their “rickety, falling down garage”—despite living in the city on a postage-stamp-sized lot. Because of a felony conviction, real firearms are out, so Kevin amasses every pseudo-firearm he can legally own. Still, the neighborhood is regularly serenaded by the sound of gunfire, and police patrols become a routine backdrop.
While Kevin prides himself on never getting caught, his ex-wife admits she spent many sleepless nights worrying a stray round might end up in a neighbor’s living room. As u/capsaicinintheeyes quipped, “She didn’t get any good at dodging bullets until he set up that practice range in the garage.” And u/spectre655321 summed up what many were thinking: “I married an unemployed felon who didn’t change his clothes, surprisingly he turned out to be less than bright.”
Fashion Crimes: The Rhinocerology Hoodie Saga
Every legend needs a signature look. For Kevin, it’s the infamous Rhinocerology hoodie, an “ugly” garment he inherited from a friend and then wore “for like 20 years.” Its persistence was as impressive as its hideousness, in his ex-wife’s eyes. Some commenters, like u/darc-star3, leapt to his defense: “I searched rhinocerology hoodie, and the options I saw looked fine enough… Some people just don’t care, and almost nobody cares about what others are wearing.”
But the hoodie is just the tip of Kevin’s questionable wardrobe iceberg. His ex admits she could fill another post (and we’re all hoping she does) just cataloguing his sartorial “crimes.” Still, perhaps fashion is in the eye of the beholder—or at least the nose, after two decades.
Culinary Catastrophes: When “Special Dinner” Isn’t Special
If you thought Kevin’s misadventures couldn’t get messier, let’s talk food. As a stay-at-home stepdad, Kevin could cook, but sometimes his creations defied logic—and taste. One meal, infamously drowned in horseradish, left the whole family gasping for water while Kevin happily chowed down, baffled at their “lack of taste.” Commenters like u/ASmallArmyOfCrabs had theories: “He didn’t have any tastebuds left… Probably made everything taste terrible.”
But the pièce de résistance was “Special Dinner”: macaroni and cheese, ground beef, cream of mushroom soup, and peas. The result? “Looked just like somebody threw up in a pan,” his ex-wife writes, “and the taste was somewhere between bland and disgusting.” Redditors were divided. u/BHunter1140 called it “a weird mash up of hamburger helper and casserole,” while u/RelevantJackWhite countered, “his ‘special dinner’ is a somewhat common recipe, I grew up with similar.” Others, like u/Liedolfr, confessed it’s comfort food, “but you are correct in the fact it looks horrendous.” The consensus: It’s edible in theory, but “didn’t make anyone feel special.”
Lessons From Kevin: Sometimes, the Best Stories Are True
Kevin’s exploits are a masterclass in the art of misguided confidence. Whether sprinting after a panicked dog, playing garage cowboy, or serving up culinary “innovations,” his life is a cautionary tale—and a reminder to laugh at the sheer absurdity of everyday life.
As one particularly sharp commenter, u/Fit-Term-9214, jabbed: “I mean, you married him.” Hey, hindsight is 20/20 (or at least as clear as cream of mushroom soup mixed with mac and cheese).
Do you have a Kevin in your life? A tale of a great idea gone spectacularly sideways? Drop your stories in the comments—because, let’s face it, the world could use more laughter (and a little less horseradish).
Original Reddit Post: Great ideas from my ex-husband, a Kevin