The Drunken Spy Who Loved Golf: A Wild Day in Resort Security
Imagine clocking in for another routine shift as a resort security guard, only to find yourself staring down a drunken, scooter-riding, self-declared CIA agent with a penchant for death threats and MAGA braggadocio. No, this isn’t the plot of a new Adam Sandler movie—it’s a true tale straight from the front lines of hospitality, as shared by Redditor u/HiImDIZZ on r/TalesFromTheFrontDesk.
What follows is a story so surreal, so packed with delusions of grandeur and scooter-based bravado, that it had the Reddit community both howling with laughter and nodding in grim recognition. Because if you’ve ever worked in hospitality, you know: reality can be a lot stranger than fiction.
When The Guest List Includes the CIA, FBI, and… a Contracted Killer?
Our story opens on a sunny day at an unnamed resort’s golf course. Security gets a call: an intoxicated man is harassing employees and refusing to leave. The first attempt to eject him is met with, as the OP puts it, “instant hostility cranked up to 11.” The guest responds with death threats, boasts about his government affiliations, and a promise to “fight all of you!”—the kind of threat that lands you on the fast track to a permanent ban.
After the initial standoff and some creative coaxing, the man is convinced to leave… but only for fifteen minutes. He soon returns, this time on an electric scooter, accusing staff of stealing his phone and launching into a monologue worthy of a Hollywood supervillain. The next twenty minutes are a battle of wills (and wit), with the security team forming a human blockade while the man cycles through his wildest claims:
- He is CIA, FBI, and a contracted killer for the U.S. Government
- He has a hit list, and everyone present is now on it
- He’s MAGA—so, watch out!
- He knows Trump personally and could summon a chopper with a single call
- He’s an MMA master and could “take all four of us at the same time”
- He makes more money than the entire security team combined
As one commenter, u/Recovering_Hoarder, quipped, “I LOLd hard at he’s MAGA, you’re really screwed now because he’s MAGA. And he knows Trump personally! And has his number on speed dial! Wait, was this Tiger Woods?!” Even the OP had to laugh at the incongruity of someone trying to intimidate security while “driving figure eights in the parking lot on [his] electric scooter.”
Hospitality Workers: The Unsung Experts in Human Absurdity
The Reddit community rallied around the OP, their collective experience shining through in the comments. “Work in the industry long enough, and you get a sense for absurdity,” said u/leicanthrope, while u/2outhits added, “No need for us to suspend disbelief. We’ve all seen and dealt with crazy shit at some point. People are freaking nuts and you never know when one will crack on your property.”
For those outside the industry, this kind of behavior might seem far-fetched—but as u/TararaBoomDA admitted, you don’t need to be a hospitality veteran to believe it: “I have never worked front desk nor security, but I believe every word of this story. I’ve witnessed too many drunken idiots over my lifespan (and may have been one once or twice).”
The consensus? People like this aren’t rare—they’re just memorable. As u/Nunyebiznis succinctly put it, “a lot of idiots like this exist these days.”
The Copypasta, The Comebacks, and the Community
Reddit loves a good copypasta, and OP’s rundown of the guest’s claims is internet gold. “Me, trespassed? Oh that’s rich… Does the word ‘murder’ resonate with you? I am CIA, FBI, and a contracted killer for the United States government… I am MAGA so you’ll be sorry. I personally know Donald Trump… I am proficient in MMA and could take you all on with ease.”
Some, like u/KaraAliasRaidra, wanted to see the bluff called: “Oh, you have his phone number? Go ahead and call him & let him talk with us! ... Oh, you could have a helicopter come pick you up in fifteen minutes? Okay, do it! We’ll time it!” But as OP wisely notes, “We didn’t want to escalate things too much. He was threatening to commit mass murder.”
Of course, a classic internet rule applies here, too, as u/Frankjc3rd pointed out: “I have a personal rule, the person that tells you they work for the CIA does not in fact work for the CIA!”
The Final Act: Scooter, DUI, and the Walk of Shame
The climax? After being shooed away (again), the man returns a third time, parks his scooter, and prepares to drive off in his car. The OP, ever the professional, suggests he leave his car overnight to avoid a DUI. The guest protests his sobriety, but after the third police call, he ultimately… walks home. Why not ride the scooter, you ask? That’s a question for the ages—and for the dozens of commenters left scratching their heads.
As OP said in closing, “What was the point of any of this?” His car remains in the lot, his membership revoked, and his legend cemented in resort security lore.
Conclusion: Share Your Wildest Guest Story!
If you’ve ever worked in hospitality, security, or anywhere the public is involved, you probably have your own “CIA contracted killer” tale. What’s the wildest story you’ve encountered? Do you believe the myth that the more someone brags, the less likely it’s true? Drop your stories (or your favorite copypasta) in the comments below—because, as this story proves, truth really is stranger (and funnier) than fiction!
Original Reddit Post: I am CIA, FBI, and a contracted killer for the US Government! (long)