The Great Beer Cooler Caper: How Not to Shoplift at 1AM (Wigs Optional)
If you’ve ever worked the graveyard shift at a gas station, you know that the late-night crowd brings a special kind of energy—and sometimes, a special kind of logic. Enter Kevin, a man whose excuse-making skills are as questionable as his choice of accessories. Picture this: it’s almost 1:00 AM, the store’s air-conditioned, and in walks a guy sporting an afro wig (for reasons known only to him). What follows is a masterclass in the art of the not-so-subtle shoplifting attempt, gas station style.
Spoiler alert: If you’re planning your own booze heist, asking to “cool off” in the beer fridge probably isn’t the genius move you think it is.
Afro Wigs and Alibi Flops: A Night in the Life
Let’s set the scene. Our protagonist, a gas station attendant (shoutout to u/PurpleBirdieLady623), is just minding her own business when Kevin strolls in, afro wig bobbing, and makes his first move: “It’s really hot in here. Would it be okay if I stood in there for a few minutes?” He points, of course, to the beer cooler.
Now, let’s pause. The store has air conditioning, it’s the dead of night, and Kevin’s only option for relief is the frosty embrace of the beer fridge? As the OP wryly notes, “I honestly doubt he really was hot like he was claiming.” You don’t need a PhD in retail psychology to see through this frosted-glass ruse.
But Kevin doesn’t quit when his fridge vacation is denied. He heads for the Buzzball cooler, grabs a random drink, and—when asked for ID—admits he doesn’t have one. (A criminal mastermind, this one.) He puts the drink back when told, but as the OP admits, “Well, he might have pocketed one when I wasn’t looking but I’m not sure.”
The Community Reacts: Wigs, Buzzballs, and Bizarre Excuses
Reddit’s r/StoriesAboutKevin is a goldmine for stories like this, but the real gems are often in the comments. For starters, u/Special-Original-215 delivered a theory worthy of Ocean’s Eleven: “An afro wig is the perfect size to hold a Buzzballz tequila.” Suddenly, that wig seems a lot more suspicious—was Kevin going for a covert caper or just into questionable fashion statements?
The mystery deepens as commenters debate the plausibility of Kevin’s “I’m hot” excuse. u/umfum brings a sci-fi twist, wondering, “Maybe you avoided something far more sinister like an alien shapeshifter planning to take over your body.” (Honestly, it would explain the wig.)
But for those uninitiated in gas station beverages, u/Quarter_Shot provides some much-needed context: “A buzzball is a small alcoholic drink you can buy at some gas stations, its round and about the size of a softball.” To which u/Superb-Antelope-251 adds, with a shudder, “And are absolutely awful tasting! They might be better now I got them like way back in 2017 or something.” Clearly, if Kevin was after a Buzzball, it wasn’t for the flavor.
And let’s not ignore the plausible medical explanations: u/RedDazzlr points out, “Some drugs make people sweat and think it’s hot no matter what the temperature really is,” while u/Alum2608 reminds us, “Or alcohol withdrawal can make ya sweat too.” Whether Kevin was battling the elements or his own biology, the beer fridge was not the solution.
Tales from the Other Side of the Register
If you think Kevin’s logic was unique, think again. Fellow gas station workers chimed in with their own tales of suspect behavior and even dumber excuses. u/tinyplanet21 shared the saga of an employee caught pocketing alcohol behind the register, who—when confronted with camera footage—claimed he didn’t know how to read. (He was, in fact, a teacher on summer break. You can’t make this up.) As u/DufielMorningstar commented, “Props to both of you, you for not putting up with it, but him for not just trying, but making an attempt to follow through, lol.”
Apparently, creative excuses are as common as empty cans in the damages bin. From “I don’t know where it went so I put it in my pocket” to “I can’t read,” the imagination of would-be thieves knows no bounds.
Why the Beer Cooler Is the Hottest Spot in Town
In the end, who can blame Kevin for wanting a mini-vacation in the beer cooler? As u/Fit_Musician3743 confessed, “I love going into the booze fridge, and I don’t even drink.” Free AC is free AC, as u/shanthor55 so succinctly put it: “Yassssss.”
But whether you’re escaping the heat, hiding from alien overlords, or just looking for a Buzzball, there’s one universal truth: gas station attendants have seen it all, and they’re not falling for your wig-based schemes.
The Coolest Takeaway
So, what’s the moral of this late-night escapade? If you’re going to make up an excuse, at least pick one your audience might believe. And if you’re wearing an afro wig at 1AM, expect a few raised eyebrows—and maybe a Buzzball or two.
Have you ever witnessed a shoplifting attempt worthy of a sitcom? Or maybe you’ve got a “dumb excuse” story of your own? Drop your tales in the comments below! The beer cooler is closed, but the conversation is just getting started.
Original Reddit Post: A stupid excuse from someone who obviously was planning to shoplift