The Kevin Who Missed the Cross: How One Student Didn’t Realize His College Was Christian
College is a time of discovery: new friends, new experiences, and for some, the shocking realization that you might have accidentally enrolled at a Christian college… despite all the crosses and daily chapel services. Enter Kevin, a legend in the annals of r/StoriesAboutKevin, who somehow missed every single sign—literal and figurative—that his “standard New England college” was anything but standard.
This isn’t just a story about a clueless college freshman. This is a saga of one man’s battle against logos, logic, and the occasional Bible study, all while trying to host the wildest parties on a campus that bans so much as a root beer float after 9pm. Let’s dive into the Kevin Zone, where Vermont vibes meet evangelical reality—and hilarity ensues.
When the Cross Is Just “New England Symbolism”
You’d think that if a college’s logo is a giant cross, it might clue you in. Not for Kevin. For him, the cross was just “normal New England symbolism.” Maybe in his mind, every Dunkin’ Donuts in Boston should have a stained glass window and a fish on the sign. It’s the kind of willful oblivion that makes you wonder if Kevin thinks “Pilgrim hats” are just trendy bucket hats with more buckles.
The Code of Conduct? More Like Code of Confusion
At most colleges, the student code of conduct is a dull PDF you skim once. At a Christian college, it’s a manifesto: no drugs, no alcohol, mandatory chapel, and definitely no sex or rainbow flags. Kevin, however, breezed right through orientation (or more likely, never attended), and missed all of it. When his “relatively tame” raves drew administrative fire and stern prayer circles, he was shocked—shocked!—that the school was enforcing its own rules. And in a plot twist no one saw coming, he claimed he was being discriminated against… despite being the human equivalent of white bread at a mayonnaise convention.
“What’s a Church?”
Here’s where things get almost performance-art level. Kevin, attending a school run by ordained pastors who teach Bible classes in buildings shaped suspiciously like churches, didn’t actually know what a church was. To him, church was just “a Vermont vibe.” Maybe it’s the maple syrup in the holy water, who knows? When prayer broke out in class, Kevin’s first thought wasn’t “oh, this is a Christian school,” but “yep, definitely a cult.”
Seminary Scares and Party Fails
Kevin’s paranoia didn’t end there. The college had a seminary with the same name—one of the most prominent in North America—and Kevin became convinced the seminary was plotting a takeover. (To be fair, that sounds like a plot twist from a Dan Brown novel, but with fewer secret societies and more casserole potlucks.)
But the real kicker? Kevin didn’t even identify as Christian. He chose this dry, conservative, party-less evangelical college… for the parties. It’s like booking a cruise on a submarine and then complaining there aren’t enough poolside margaritas.
Lessons from the Kevin Multiverse
Redditor u/redditlurker100000’s post is a masterclass in “How Did You Miss Every Sign?” It also raises some deep questions: Can you really out-Kevin Kevin? Is it possible to be so blissfully unaware that you’re immune to reality itself? Or was Kevin just a misunderstood party pioneer, railing against the evangelical machine, one clandestine rave at a time?
Either way, Kevin’s exploits are a reminder that sometimes, the most entertaining college stories don’t come from the frat house—they come from the guy who thought the Bible was a “Vermont field guide” and the campus seminary was a shadowy cabal.
Have You Met a Kevin?
We all know (or have been) a Kevin. Maybe not one who missed a campus full of crosses, but certainly someone who just didn’t get the memo. Share your best “Kevin” stories in the comments! Did you ever miss a giant, obvious sign? Or maybe you survived college with your own hilarious misunderstandings? Either way, let’s celebrate the Kevins of the world—they keep things interesting, one oblivious adventure at a time.
What do you think—was Kevin just uniquely clueless, or was there something deeper at play? Ever had a college experience that left you scratching your head? Let’s hear it below!
Original Reddit Post: college kevin doens't know college is christian