The Most Bizarre College Fundraiser: How “Kevin” Tried to Outsmart Tuition (and Campus Police)
Sometimes, you hear a story so outlandish you can’t help but double-check the date—surely, it’s April Fools’, right? But no, this tale isn’t a prank or a lost script from an 80s teen comedy. It’s the real-life saga of “Kevin”—a college freshman whose attempt to fund his education could only be described as criminally creative…and just plain criminal.
Picture this: you’re settling into dorm life, worrying about finals, ramen budgets, and whether your roommate snores. Meanwhile, your roommate’s friend is plotting a scheme that somehow involves sex workers, blackmail, and a grand escape through a first-floor dorm window. If that sounds like the setup for a wild Reddit post, you’re absolutely right.
Kevin’s “Genius” Plan: Tuition by Blackmail
Let’s set the scene. Like many college students, Kevin was on the hunt for a way to pay tuition. But instead of picking up shifts at the campus coffee shop or joining the gig economy, Kevin’s mind went straight to the annals of “what could possibly go wrong?” His solution: send sex workers to students’ dorm rooms, then hope those students would pay for their silence to avoid embarrassment—a classic extortion hustle, if you ignore the complete lack of logic, ethics, or, frankly, basic understanding of human behavior.
To quote the original Reddit poster, u/redditlurker100000, “He thought this was a genius idea, and why hadn’t people thought of it?” (Spoiler alert: people have, and they’re usually in jail.)
But the plan had holes big enough for a campus security golf cart to drive through. For starters, Kevin assumed random students would cough up hush money to avoid being “exposed”—as if campus life isn’t already a constant parade of embarrassing moments. And, as one commenter, u/ASmallArmyOfCrabs, hilariously put it, “Usually there’s a built-in hard limit for these guys about being too dumb to be able to find a real hooker. Like where did this guy find 3 hookers willing to listen to his dumb ass?”
Chaos on Campus: When Fantasy Meets Reality (and Campus Police)
Kevin, undeterred by practical concerns or the law, began sending his hired “accomplices” to multiple dorms. But life on campus isn’t a Hollywood movie—there are actual campus police, and they’re usually more ex-cop than Barney Fife.
Before Kevin’s plot could extort its first dime, the campus police noticed unfamiliar faces loitering around the dorms at night. They questioned the visitors and quickly traced the shenanigans back to Kevin. Sensing the jig was up, Kevin pulled what might be the least graceful exit in criminal history: he leapt out his first-floor dorm window and disappeared. For a month.
As the story’s OP recounted, campus police “tried to talk to him, but when the hookers never showed up, and campus police were walking in the dorm, he bolted out the window and disappeared for a month.” It’s equal parts slapstick and sad.
Eventually, word filtered back that Kevin had been arrested for trespassing in a neighboring state—apparently after sleeping in a public park. The saga ends there, with Kevin’s college career (and freedom) as MIA as his common sense.
Reddit Reacts: From Political Futures to Head-Scratching Wonder
If you’re thinking, “This sounds like the kind of person who ends up in politics,” you’re not alone. The Reddit community had a field day, with u/robsterva quipping, “Probably went into politics.” Not to be outdone, u/Tyrone_Shoelaces_Esq added, “He’ll be a presidential nominee once he hits the minimum age.” Sometimes the best punchlines are the ones that write themselves.
Even OP, u/redditlurker100000, chimed in with a bit of character background, “Wouldn’t be surprised. He was a hardline MAGA and really dumb.” It’s a reminder that sometimes the boldest schemes come from the least likely masterminds.
Other commenters expressed sheer disbelief at the logistics. “Wowza,” exclaimed u/RedDazzlr, distilling what most of us were thinking. There was also speculation about the feasibility of even finding willing participants for Kevin’s plan. As u/ASmallArmyOfCrabs pointed out, “Like where did this guy find 3 hookers willing to listen to his dumb ass?” The consensus: Kevin’s plan was as impractical as it was illegal.
And, in true Reddit fashion, the humor didn’t stop at the situation itself. u/theartfulcodger slyly suggested, “He changed his name to Matt Gaetz.” Sometimes, reality and satire blur together seamlessly.
The Lessons (and Laughs) We Take Away
Kevin’s story is a masterclass in what not to do—whether you’re trying to pay for college, plot a caper, or simply make it through freshman year without a criminal record. It’s also a testament to the creativity (and, let’s be honest, desperation) college can inspire. But perhaps the best takeaway comes from the community’s collective reaction: a blend of mockery, disbelief, and a dash of “there but for the grace of student loans go I.”
So next time you’re worried about college tuition, remember Kevin. Maybe take a shift at the coffee shop instead.
Have you ever heard a wild college scheme—successful or spectacularly doomed? Share your stories (or your favorite campus legends) below! And if you enjoyed this tale, don’t forget to spread the laughter—just don’t try Kevin’s method at home, or anywhere, really.
Original Reddit Post: Kevin comes up with scheme to fund college