When Your Ex Thinks He’s a 70s Kid (But Was Born in ’79): A Kevin Story for the Ages
There are bad dates, and then there are dates with a Kevin. Not just any Kevin, but the kind of Kevin who turns “having high blood pressure” into a personality trait, tries to mooch your grandma’s meds, and still thinks he’s a 70s kid because he remembers hearing “old songs” on the radio. If you’ve ever wondered how low the bar can go, buckle up—this wild ride from r/StoriesAboutKevin is about to prove that sometimes, the bar is in the basement.
It’s more than just a tale of a clueless ex—it’s a community roast, a masterclass in red flags, and a testament to the patience of anyone who’s ever dated someone who makes you question reality (and your taste in men). Let’s dive in.
Kevin vs. Reality: High Blood Pressure, Low Self-Awareness
Our story picks up with Kevin, the poster child for “it’s not me, it’s my condition.” According to the original poster, u/AsleepProfession1395, Kevin decided that his alleged high blood pressure was not just an ailment, but an identity. Cue the sympathy siphon: “Oh pity me, I have a condition,” he’d moan, using it as his go-to excuse for why he couldn’t possibly get a job.
But Kevin didn’t stop at sympathy-seeking. He took “resourceful” to a whole new (and illegal) level by asking the OP to steal her grandmother’s prescription blood pressure medication. When she refused—pointing out that her grandma needed every pill for her own health, and that, you know, prescription drugs are not a communal snack—Kevin called her selfish. Because nothing says “mature adult” like expecting someone’s elderly grandmother to skip life-saving meds for your convenience.
As the top commenter u/pacmanfunky hilariously put it, “If his brains were gunpowder he wouldn't have enough to blow his nose.” The sentiment was echoed across the thread, with u/Mollystar2 simply declaring, “He sounds dumber than a box of rocks.” The community consensus? Kevin’s not just cheap, he’s a walking red flag factory.
Generational Gymnastics: “Call Me Uncle”
If the prescription pill saga wasn’t enough, Kevin’s grasp on time and age turned out to be equally… flexible. Born in early 1979, he insisted he was a “70s kid,” lumping himself in with people born in the mid-60s. When the OP countered—with the kind of logic you’d expect from anyone over the age of five—that he was actually an “80s baby,” Kevin doubled down. Not only did he claim to remember the 70s (despite being an infant), but he also demanded to be called “uncle” to cement his generational status. Ew.
The Reddit roast was brutal. u/eyelinerqueen83 quipped, “I’m sure he has fond memories of the 70s in which he was shitting in a diaper and screaming,” while u/Agreeable_Sorbet_686 painted an even more vivid picture: “First he was swimming along with these other tadpoles toward a balloon. Then he was in the balloon and he got bigger and was swimming around in there. Then, the balloon popped, he went down a slide and he came in to the out. A nice lady said her name was mommy and she was a milk machine; it was magic.” If you’ve ever wondered what it feels like to be collectively dunked on by strangers on the internet, this is it.
To his credit, Kevin tried to justify his claim: he’d heard 70s songs! Newsflash, Kevin—radios play retro hits. As u/AsleepProfession1395 [OP] pointed out, unless he has an eidetic memory, no one remembers the disco era from their playpen.
Juvenile Delusions: Kevin’s Brush with (Imaginary) Juvie
But Kevin’s greatest hits didn’t end there. In a bizarre flex of “masculinity,” he suggested that he and his friend Steve should “teach a lesson” to some local teens (the Mat Reps) hanging out at a bus terminal. The plan? Beat them up and get sent to juvenile detention—“juvie”—where, according to Kevin, at least they’d get a roof and regular meals.
The OP, ever the voice of reason, reminded him that juvie is reserved for minors—adults go to prison. Kevin responded with a classic: he went quiet. Sometimes, silence says more than words ever could.
The community had thoughts. u/happyhippy1019 summed it up: “He sounds exhausting!” And when someone wondered aloud if perhaps Kevin might at least be good in bed to justify all of this, OP replied: “Spot on. I only tolerated it. Besides, he was my first so I didn’t have anything to compare to at the time.” (u/kkrolla: “I’ll bet it’s the opposite.” The internet, unified in skepticism.)
The Wisdom of the Crowd: Lessons from the Kevin Chronicles
So, what do we learn from this Kevin? First, that some exes truly are cautionary tales in human form. Second, that Reddit is the world’s greatest group therapy session—if you ever doubt your own judgment, just share your story and let the community validate your escape.
And finally, as the OP notes, sometimes it takes moving “across several towns” (or, as one commenter hoped, “across an ocean and changed their name”) to truly leave a Kevin behind.
Conclusion: Share Your “Kevin” Stories!
We’ve all known a Kevin—or maybe dated one (no judgment, we’ve all been there). Whether it’s prescription mooching, fake nostalgia, or just being “dumber than a box of rocks,” the internet is here to laugh, commiserate, and help you spot the red flags sooner next time.
Have your own Kevin saga? Drop it in the comments! Let’s keep the therapy session going—one wild story at a time.
Original Reddit Post: Dated a Kevin pt 2