When Your Weed Goes Missing, Roll Up Some Petty Revenge (and Pubes)
Let’s face it: nothing ignites your inner petty gremlin quite like someone swiping your stash. But what do you do when the culprit is an old-timer known for mooching, spinning stories, and rolling the world’s worst cigarettes? If you’re Reddit user u/oxtailtacos, you reach for the nearest weapon—your own pubic hair—and roll up a tale of revenge so outlandish, it deserves a spot in the petty revenge hall of fame.
Welcome to the saga of “Smoke My Pubes”: a story that’s one part cautionary tale, one part guerilla warfare, and all parts hilarious.
The Stash, the Cigarette Butt Box, and the Shady Houseguest
Our hero had a simple plan: stash a dime bag of weed at his friend’s place while he ran errands. The only problem? The friend’s mom ran a halfway house for questionable characters (or at least one: “Unc,” the resident old fella with a penchant for free lodging and—let’s be honest—probably weed).
Unc’s cigarette habit was legendary for all the wrong reasons. He’d collect spent butts, harvest the dregs, and roll up cigarettes so janky they probably violated the Geneva Convention. So, when tasked with hiding the weed, Unc suggested tucking it into his box of butts—a hiding spot, perhaps, but also a temptation for a certain sticky-fingered uncle.
Surprise, surprise: when our protagonist returned, the weed had vanished. The only suspect? Unc—who immediately spun a tale worthy of the world’s worst Scooby-Doo episode. Maybe it fell into the butts? Maybe it teleported? Maybe you’re high already?
When Life Hands You Thieves, Roll Up Some (Hairy) Revenge
If you can’t get your weed back, what do you do? You roll with it—literally. Our narrator, not one to let a theft go un-punished, decided to liven up Unc’s next smoke with a trio of pubic hairs, each harvested with surgical precision (and a touch of masochism). One from his taint, one from his sweaty ballsack, and a true wild card from the base of his manhood.
Unc, blissfully unaware, fired up his special blend. The result? Coughing, confusion, and a sudden conviction that—aha!—he must be getting high off some stray weed. Never mind the acrid flavor or the mysterious “something” in the rollie; Unc was convinced he’d hit the jackpot.
Meanwhile, the friend and our protagonist watched in barely-concealed glee as Unc puffed away, unwittingly hotboxing himself with a cloud of…well, personal essence.
Analyzing the Art of Petty Revenge
What makes this story so satisfying isn’t just the creativity (though, let’s admit, that takes a certain twisted genius). It’s the pure, distilled essence of petty revenge—a response so perfectly scaled to the crime that it almost feels like cosmic justice.
There’s an art to petty revenge. It’s not about escalation but about equilibrium. The goal isn’t to destroy; it’s to inconvenience, to unsettle, to make the offender pause and wonder, just for a moment, if they’ve crossed the wrong person. Unc didn’t end up in jail or get publicly shamed—he just smoked a little more than he bargained for.
And, of course, the cherry on top: the running inside joke. Now, every time our narrator lights up, he and his friend can cackle about how potent his pubes must be. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.
A Cautionary Tale for Would-Be Thieves
Let this be a lesson to all you would-be weed bandits, butt-box burglars, and “accidental” stash finders: you never know when your next smoke might come with a surprise addition. Petty revenge is alive and well, and sometimes it’s as close as your shorts.
So next time you consider dipping into someone else’s stash, remember: what goes around comes around, and sometimes it comes with roots attached.
Have you ever dished out (or received) a petty act of revenge that left everyone laughing—except the target? Share your stories below, and let’s swap some legends! And remember: never underestimate the creativity of a wronged stoner with access to their own body hair.
Original Reddit Post: Smoke my pubes.